Lauren LaRusso knows a lot about affairs. The 40-year-old psychotherapist has, for the past three years, specialised in infidelity. Her patients represent all positions on the affair-y spectrum: there are people who have been cheated on and people who are doing the cheating. There are also, as she calls them, ‘affair partners’ – single people who are sleeping with someone married.

None of these people seem the same; none of them have the same reasons for cheating. ‘Anyone can cheat,’ says LaRusso over Zoom from her home in Connecticut. ‘Anyone. And that is the terrifying reality.’

She wasn’t really meant to be an expert in all of this. Until 2018, LaRusso had worked for seven years as a standard therapist; her patients had various issues – infidelity and otherwise. But then, while she was on holiday with her husband, their two-year-old daughter and his parents, she saw an email notification on her spouse’s phone. It was from Airbnb and the subject line read: ‘Confirmed! Your stay in a romantic, riverfront house.’ LaRusso was not going to that house.

It transpired that her husband – a doctor to whom she had been married for seven years – had been having a months-long affair with a woman LaRusso did not know. By 2020 the couple were divorced, and by 2023 LaRusso had changed her practice to focus entirely on affairs. She also started an Instagram account (@laurenlarusso) where she posts regular videos about the anatomy of infidelity. (Titles include things like ‘Here’s why you can’t end your affair – even when you try’; the total follower count is now 152,000.) Plus, she has an agony aunt-style Substack, where she answers reader questions about cheating. This week, LaRusso is publishing her first book:Beyond Infidelity– an A-Z of affairs. Here are a few things she knows about adultery.

the و her و she – تفاصيل مهمة

It’s everywhere

LaRusso says, ‘because we see infidelity as a complete deal-breaker’ we are often embarrassed to talk about it. But plenty of people have cheated or been cheated on. How many? ‘Well, 50 per cent of marriages end in divorce, and there’s a lot of infidelity with divorce.’ (According to the American Psychological Association, 20 to 40 per cent of marital separations are the result of an affair.) ‘Of the people who stay married, there is still a huge incidence of infidelity – and those affairs might be revealed or remain a secret for their entire lives.’ So, says LaRusso, ‘we’ll never have exact statistics, but I can probably say with confidence that anywhere from 50 to 75 per cent of people (experience cheating).’ Eek.

Women are just as guilty

For a long time, the stereotype has been that men are likely than women to have affairs. But, says LaRusso, ‘women are catching up’. She’s not entirely sure why – ‘women are empowered than ever, we live in a self-exploration era’ – but, among her clients, ‘I work with as many betrayed men and as many unfaithful women as I do the opposite’.

Some people are prone to it

In terms of personality types, however, LaRusso says there are some people who are prone to infidelity than others. The first is obvious: ‘Someone with stronger narcissistic tendencies is highly likely to be unfaithful because they need approval. They need their inner fire stoked , and one person alone can’t do that for them.’ But the other, less likely, personality trait she sees among clients who have cheated, is avoidance. It’s because affairs are, in the short term at least, a way of avoiding confrontation within a marriage; rather than addressing problems with their spouse, avoidant people can turn outwards. ‘It’s one of the biggest risk factors that we see.’

of و are و a – تفاصيل مهمة

Proof is paramount

The first time LaRusso suspected her husband was having an affair was in 2017, just before Christmas. She had found several mysterious presents stashed under a sofa and, among them, an Amazon gift receipt. ‘So, I actually called Amazon and said, “I’ve found this gift receipt, and I just don’t know who to thank.”’ The company told her the name of the person who had made the order; it was a woman’s name she hadn’t heard of – the woman she would later learn her husband was sleeping with. When LaRusso asked her spouse about it, ‘he came up with a story that didn’t make sense’. She regrets that now. ‘If I had to do it all over again, I would probably silently look for the truth and wait until I had some real evidence, instead of relying on my partner to tell me the truth.’

The thing is, people who cheat are unlikely to be honest – ‘they’re self-protecting’ and, by having an affair, ‘they’ve become someone who isn’t telling you the truth any ’. Having your partner lie to you will mean ‘you’ll just end up confused and gaslit’. Instead, says LaRusso, ‘I’d wait (before saying anything to your spouse) until you have something concrete. Just keep noticing things and validating your own noticing. That’s how you stay in power throughout the process.’

Affairs are addictive

There are, says LaRusso, ‘a million reasons’ why people have affairs. But one of them is that infidelity can be like a drug. ‘Because of the nature of interval contact, and the interval highs and lows, affairs create a certain type of reinforcement that’s highly addictive.’ In non-therapist language, this means that the inconsistency of an affair keeps people excited – and returning for . If that doesn’t seem sciencey enough, infidelity also releases various chemicals – like cortisol, dopamine and oxytocin – in the brain. Those are the same chemicals that are released by drugs or drink.

the و and و of – تفاصيل مهمة

Be careful with questions

Often, when people learn they’ve been cheated on, they ask lots – and lots – of questions. It’s fair enough. The person who has been having the affair already knows everything, ‘but you’re playing catch-up’. Still, LaRusso says to choose your enquiries with caution. Some information is helpful; it might influence your decision to stay with, or leave, your partner. But other information is pointless and painful details can ‘just add fuel to the trauma fire’. She advises against comparison questions (things like, ‘Were they better than me?’) and says to be prudent when asking for gory details about sex. ‘Asking questions means you’ll know things that you cannot then unknow.

Like (LaRusso imagines a suitably miserable scenario) your spouse had sex behind that shop, and now you have to move towns because you’ll never be able to pass by without thinking about it.’ Basically, tread wisely.

Acceptance over forgiveness

If your partner has had an affair, ‘you don’t have to forgive them’, says LaRusso. ‘I will never forgive my ex (for his affair) because he never asked for it.’ That doesn’t mean you ought to hold a grudge. ‘I’m a big proponent of acceptance over forgiveness.’ In other words, you accept what happened, ‘you feel the pain of it, but you are not in tension with it any ’. She continues, ‘I am totally fine not forgiving the unforgivable. In fact, sometimes forgiveness is dangerous. But acceptance – that is what sets you free.’

• Beyond Infidelityby Lauren LaRussowill be published on Thursday byBloomsbury Tonic, £14.99